Mother day Special: Made out to be a tyrant

AM 60 and still working so as not to be a burden to my three children, who give me some pocket money. I was the breadwinner/home-maker of the family when they were very young.


I’m conservative and I love my family. I love to see everyone sitting down for dinner at least once weekly, to enhance the family bond.

My younger son, who lives with me, is married to an Indonesian woman who would only come downstairs at about 1pm, when he wakes up for work. She will not acknowledge the presence of others in the house if they do not speak to her first. At times, she just walks past me as if I were a piece of glass.

She had been staying with us well before she married my son. I was not in favour of their marriage but gave in when my son insisted. I even signed as a witness for their registration.

Apart from sweeping the floor which I have swept and mopped before leaving for work, she hardly does any housework. She only cooks dinner when she feels like doing so. I do my husband’s and my own laundry, while my daughter does hers and helps with the housework when asked.

I speak and joke with my daughter-in-law when she wants to communicate, even though I do not like her, for which I cannot give any reason. I have never scolded her or shouted at her for not helping with the housework. Most of the time she stays in her room when I am in the house.

Once when I commented to my son that his wife was not helping with the housework, he retorted that since my daughter did not help, why should his wife do. He has been staying in the house for years but has never helped with the financial upkeep, or to clean it.

The first time we had a spat, my daughter-in-law left the house and only returned after three months. One morning, she kept quiet when I asked why she looked as if everybody had offended her. When asked further, she exploded, saying that I did not like her and so forth. I countered that I had never scolded or asked her to do anything and I had to accept the fact she was married to my son.

She is behaving as if I am the cause of her problems. My son condones his wife’s behavior. He has not advised her to respect her elders, or told her her duty and responsibilities in the house. I feel she is trying to tell me that she is the one in control.

My son seldom speaks to me now, and they’re planning to move out. It’s not that I cannot live without them; what really hurts is that despite trying to build a happy family I am being labelled a tyrant.

Tyrant

IT would be best for all when your son moves out. Having them in the house is creating too much tension and unhappiness.

Do not blame yourself or worry that you are deemed a tyrant. You are a great mother who has sacrificed much for your family. But perhaps your son and his wife feel that your earlier objection to their marriage marks your disapproval and dislike. This would have made them more sensitive to what you say and do. 

Your son must love his wife very much and has been trying very hard to protect her. However, he seems to lack maturity and understanding of the situation.

While you have been trying your best to accept your daughter-in-law, they prefer to stay at arm’s length and keep from being too close and warm. From the bad start, she might have felt unwanted and unwelcome in your home. She probably had been badly advised to stay aloof to avoid quarrels and altercations. And being so insecure about her position, she wouldn’t want to start her married life being treated like the housemaid in her husband’s house.

Your son and his wife should appreciate your trying so hard to hold the family together. They should also understand that you are only human and there would have been moments when you could not hold back your disappointment or disgruntlement. They could also have tried harder to fit in instead of acting like strangers in your house. 

You face a very common problem of trying to live with the daughter-in-law. Each of you has a story to tell as both sides try to justify words and actions. The best way is to simply accept your son’s decision to move out and wish them well.

If they have bought a house, be happy for them. Invite them back for the weekly family dinner, and be warm and gracious to your daughter-in-law. Treat her like family, and do not be overly polite. Hopefully, time will heal the rift. 

Thelma StarMag, Sunday May 9, 2010